Category Archives: Grief

March 7, 2016 · 11:23 pm

Rain in California = Indoor Projects

Textured wall sm

Post Writers Conference To-Do List, Homeowners To-Do List, Work To-Do List, and then there is the offspring Mom “can you” To-Do List.  I need to retire to get some work done!

My Homeowners To-Do List is the one that weighs on me the most.  It is in my face and doesn’t go away unless I’m sleeping.  It is still there in the morning when I wake up.  We purchased the home in 2008 and a series of events quickly overtook us.  My beloved was able to complete 25 of the 100 projects on our punch list.  He tackled the biggest and most expensive ones first before he was pulled away by 60 hour work weeks and his eventual death by job in 2013.  The official cause was pneumonia; only because Americans don’t have the term the Japanese use, Karoshi (death by job). He worked himself to death and I’m trying my best to find balance in my life and not follow his example.

I’m grateful for the 25 items he did get done and the 40 that I have completed in the last four years.  Projects including removing hazardous trees, painting, trim work and laying a 1,100 sq. ft. hardwood floor.  That leaves me 35 to tackle.  I am frustrated with my inability to get things done quickly. I would really like to take a shower in the master bathroom but that project does not rise to the top of the priority level.

With a heavy heart, I must add several projects to the list.  The last heavy rain shook me out of my denial and I must replace another window.  I have a heavy heart because I do not possess the ability to replace a window and will need to pay someone to do it. The leaking has been going on for so long behind the paint the sill is a void in the corner. When wiping up the water my finger went through the paint.  I have also decided to add a false wall to hide a butler’s pantry in the great room.  I can do the wall myself if my handyman places the floor plates for me.  I’ve decided this is the best way to stage everything for my kitchen replacement that way most of the mess will be hidden  The cabinets are either water damaged or were chewed on by the previous owner’s dogs.  I still have not replaced the ugly kitchen floor.  I really wanted to run the bamboo flooring into the kitchen but the grandchildren have made me rethink.  My 11 year old grandson has dropped a regular hammer and a small sledgehammer on the new hardwood in the den and left dents, major bummer.  I am having problems with him in understanding that grandpa’s tools are not his just because grandpa won’t be using them anymore.

This week, I need to finish several things so I can get outside when the rain stops!  The trim is now nailed up on the water damaged wall in the den after six trips to unhelpful big box hardware stores to find the right piece!  I’ve already painted the repaired area (photo shows texturing only).  So close, and then this item comes off the list!  I will also complete one more transition in the hallway floor and a second clear coat for the garage threshold. Three items this week, I think that will be enough.

When I’m not pretending to be Mrs. Winchester, I also have two literary deadlines before March 15 and an unlimited supply of overtime that I resist almost daily, almost.  The frustration level is very high this week and I have to constantly remind myself to trust God will bring me through it all.

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February 5, 2016 · 8:04 pm

Spring – Are You There?

I’ve always believed in goals but now that I am a fine and fancy widow, goals have become a critical part of my mental and emotional health.  I no longer am delighted with the love and approval reflected in my beloved’s eyes so I need to measure my own success.  This was a skill that I did not develop until I was 40.  I was not raised to believe in myself and my own success.  I was raised to always put myself last and to endure whatever was thrown at me, including fists.  Having someone believe in you can change your entire outlook on life.  I know it did for me.

I’m suffering from the early stages of spring fever.  My project list is down from 100 to 36 and I am itching to finish something.  The project list doesn’t include the new planter boxes I want or any gardening tasks! I don’t have the baseboard molding 100% done, I need a threshold and door sweep weather stripping installed and there is a 2′ x 3′ section of flooring still left to complete.  The problem is I need the big saw to complete these tasks.  It’s put up for the winter.  During the summer when the rains have passed, I leave the saw out under the awning and put it away for family get togethers.  I was going to drag it out for a few hours on Saturday but there was a light drizzle during the daylight that turned in to a rain at night.

We need the rain desperately!  One of the main NorCal water reservoirs is the Folsom Lake.  The marina has floating boat slip/docks.  They have been laying on dirt for over a year now.  We are far from being out of the water crisis but, I was so happy to see the live camera shot of floating docks!  Folsom Lake Marina Live Cam  Boats are permitted for launch starting this Saturday. Please pray for more snow in the Sierras.

FL Marina on dirt FL Marina Cam 2-5-16

Folsom Lake at capacity would mean plenty of water for the American River and all the towns between Sacramento to San Francisco.  It would mean no restricted watering.  One of the projects on the “list” is to change 1,800 sq. ft. of grass service into stamped concrete.  I removed another 400 sq. ft. from the front yard but never finished the project.  That will require some dirt excavation, a tree removal (it’s touching the roof), a walkway removal and another concrete pour.  Oh, and I’m not supposed to lift over 40 lbs. while doing it!

But the “list” is not getting any shorter, I need to accomplish something!  Arrrrgh!  My doctor said I was supposed to be kind and gentle with myself and stop beating myself up so much, to take it easy.  Raised in a performance for love environment, this is extremely hard for me even today.

I could work overtime tomorrow but I don’t think that is going to happen.  Too much goes to taxes and then there is the “list”.  The sun is supposed to shine from 6 a.m. to noon and then cloudy for the rest of the day.  President’s weekend is booked solid for the SAN FRANCISCO WRITER’S CONFERENCE (woot!) so I won’t be working on my projects then.  What’s that old saying, make hay while the sun shines or, in my case, finish something!  I can at least say my writing goals are fairly up to date.  I’ve started a local writing critique group and surrounded myself with author support. How are you sticking to your goals?

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November 18, 2015 · 1:16 am

Write On!

I made it through the difficult days, from my birthday until my wedding anniversary.  Days in which my beloved is missed dearly. Time to let the grief drift into the background and get back on track and in focus.

I seem to be doing better, at least if word count is an indicator.  October was a haze.  I can’t really say what I was busy with.  My calendar shows some activity but not the hectic pace I felt.  It must have been “the list” accomplishments.  The rest of the defunct patio covering was demolished, winter 2015 yard cleanup, shower caulking (for tile install), stucco repaired and finishing off a 4 month project to install 1,100 sq. ft. of bamboo flooring.  Rub knees, take a deep breath!

Last night, I had a few friends in and we laughed our socks off at Pitch Perfect 2!  Good friends, good food, roaring fire in the fireplace and something to laugh at.  I recommend it highly to improve your sleep patterns.

November is NO-vember.  No to any new projects, requests or pleading.  I have two birthday parties to host for grandchildren (14 and 9).  I am the Municipal Liaison for NaNoWriMo for the county I live in.  I will celebrate Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving visitors.  Last, but not least, is a commitment to myself to write 50,000 words in the month of December for the National Novel Writing Month.  National Novel Writing Month

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2015 N of WD speaker Marissa Meyer

To keep up with the commitment, I must write 1,667 words per day.  I’m a little behind but I’ll catch up.  I missed a few consecutive days but am committing to write every day regardless of how many yeowls the cat makes and squawks the chickens produce.

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September 30, 2015 · 6:18 pm

Bitter Fruit – Introducing – the Limequat

Limequats

Limequats

The Limequat tree is a cross between a Lime and a Kumquat or so I have been told. Why? The fruit is so bitter that it will numb your mouth, your tongue or any other mucus membrane it touches on its way down to your stomach. If you don’t throw up first. Just nasty. I have found no known use for this prolific fruit.

Contrast that with the very sweet fruit I tasted on my trip to Italy. I was very impressed with the community in Sant’ Orsola, when I visited with family a few years ago. It was my only trip, so far, and I loved it! I was loved and accepted unconditionally and it was a bit overwhelming at first. It was a happy discovery! My cousin, Paolina, and I walked through the town and up the hill on the paved road. She speaks no English and I speak very bad German and even worse Italian. She speaks Italian, Mochini and some German. It was fun to communicate with each other as she pointed out different things and gave me the Italian or Mochini words.

What was the most surprising is how the community reinvented itself to revive the economy. They have a thriving tourist economy, host sports events, and grow fruit, one among the many different types is Lemons. Yes, Lemons in the Alps. I was there during the summer but I could see the structure around the trees ready for the sheeting that would turn that section of the valley into an enormous greenhouse. Not sure how they handled the snow?

My California yard should be able to grow just about anything. I have a pretty little tree that produces fruit like crazy. The only problem is I have not been able to find a single use for the fruit.   A co-worker didn’t believe me so I brought some in. He tried it, only to spit it quickly into the trash and say; that’s just nasty! I told him it was.

So the nasty tree is at the bottom of my epic to do list. The list was at 75 items at the time of my beloved’s death and I have managed to whack it down to 34. The easy stuff is done, can I call the list nasty? It is certainly bitter that my beloved is not here to partner with me in finishing the list but, I am vigilant not to become bitter. I keep telling myself that I can’t retire until the list is completed It’s the journey not the destination, right! At this pace I will be 75 when that happens as I keep adding to it almost as fast as I complete items. Sigh! When is my next vacation day?

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June 19, 2015 · 8:55 pm

Broken

system failure

I haven’t posted in a few months and have spent my energy recovering after mono and strep.  I am back to work and have built up enough stamina to do one or two activities after I get home.  I take care of the fur and feather needs, my own nutrition and then try to lay some more flooring.  I usually manage two or three rows of boards before something starts to ache or I just run out of energy. I’m tackling 1,300 sq. ft. of flooring one row at a time! It will get done just not fast!  I have not planted a single vegetable in the garden either.

While my body may be slightly worn down, my heart is absolutely broken.  I cannot help someone who does not see the problem and we all know that “fixing” someone else’s problems is at best hypocritical and condescending and is not healthy behavior.  I do not want the responsibility for controlling or making someone else’s choices.  That being said, I cannot keep the tears from falling.

I have met a young mother of three, I will name her Phoenix here.  Phoenix comes from the most heartbreaking childhood that was splashed across inter-national media when the details became known.  Both of her biological parents are now in jail, her mother for at least 15 years and her father on consecutive life sentences.  I am grateful they are out of their now adult children’s lives but the terror and havoc they wrecked still continues as it is ingrained into their very DNA after so many years of continual abuse.  Because all of the victims involved are “aged out” and poor, they have exhausted all social services has to offer.

The father of Phoenix’s three children also comes from an extremely dysfunctional home that barely borders on legal behavior.  Phoenix looks to me as a mom figure because we are both domestic violence survivors.  I have made my own personal success my revenge and for years my mantra was “living well is the best revenge”.  I caught on early in my recovery days that getting even or snarky would only further hurt me and not the person I wanted to hurt.  I let it go, it was squealing like a piglet when I let go, but I was able to do it.

Phoenix has been to counseling, she has overcome so much.  But, this family is trapped in an economic cycle of poverty.  It is like trying to scale the wall of the Grand Canyon without climbing gear.  She doesn’t even know she can climb much less what a carabiner, harness, belay or an ascender is.  Telling her she can climb makes no impact on her.  Opportunities have presented themselves to her in the last few weeks but she does not take advantage of them.  Phoenix professes she is not afraid of the opportunities, just not interested.  She does not see a better way of life for herself and her family.

You have heard of the Stockholm Syndrome where the captive begins to love the captor.  Similarly, Phoenix is trapped in extreme poverty and poor living conditions because she cannot see the opportunities or where it will take her.  Where she is at now is better than before.  She passes on opportunities because she cannot see how they will benefit her future and presents indifference to the world.  It is possible that she just does not believe she could be successful and it may even be mixed up with some survivor guilt.  It would take a full time team of psychologists to unravel this depth of damage.

At times like this, I truly miss my beloved.  He understood this so well.  He came from this type of horror but moved past it.  He loved me in spite of my own past. He would know what to say to comfort as well as to motivate someone to invest in themselves.  He could convince people into believing in themselves because he could share his own story in a way that gave them hope.

Please pray for me as I make myself available to Phoenix when and if she ever decides to take the next step.  Please pray for Phoenix, her partner and their three children.  Pray that I will remember to love her in a healthy way in the hope that she will someday see better choices and opportunities.

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September 30, 2014 · 10:05 pm

Mortality

Sorry for the break in posts. A few weeks ago I was arguing with God about my own mortality. The two men I have loved most in this world and who loved me, mostly unconditionally, have gone to be with their maker. (my Dad and my Beloved) I do not fear death, I do not seek it, but the fear is in the how and not the why or when. I have been very ill and the rampant infection in my throat threatened to completely close off my ability to breathe. Three trips to the emergency, $1,500.00 in co-pays, several prescriptions and a lot of sleep later, I am on the road to recovery.
Obviously, God did not see any validity in my arguments to just take me now. I have a fire insurance policy (that pre-paid free salvation plan provided by Jesus). I have a high tolerance for pain but, this was beyond my ability to handle.
I have a new understanding for the folks in my life that suffer with chronic pain. It takes a very special person to be able to function with constant severe pain.
My remodeling efforts have been put mostly on hold until I can build my immune system and stamina back up. About all I manage day to day is taking care of my own basic needs, tending the chickens (picking up the eggs) and the cats. Thank heavens the bee’s can take care of themselves for a few weeks, I’m praying the wax moths died out in the drought and won’t find them!
I wanted to finish up the cement work out front and end the mudworks. I’m 1/3 of the way through preparing the first floor for new hardwood flooring. The patio needs to be torn up (overhead is causing water damage to the wall and the cement is all cracked). I need two windows replaced and the eves cut back (head bangers). Oh, and the drainage pipe is plugged about 20′ in. That is a must before heavy rains. I guess God wants me to finish up some of these projects before I’m done with this temporary home. My daughter certainly votes for the finish category! I’m thinking broke just writing this list.
I have to constantly do something; it’s hard for me to sit still, even if I need to in order to get better. This week my main agenda will be paper destruction. Those little piles of paper that seem to collect everywhere in my house. I swear they mate and reproduce at night!

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August 4, 2014 · 1:50 pm

Exhausted But Still Writing

July was a good month, writing wise. It was my second attempt at writing 50,000 words in one month this year. I signed up for the April Camp NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) and succeeded in writing 30,000 words, that’s 30K more than I would have written with no effort. May and June were busy personal months with my home undergoing repairs, clearing out my beloved’s robotic “scraps” and learning to live without him. July 1 rolled around and I decided to push for that 50K again! I made it! The last 20,000 words look pretty slushy, weak plot flow, and underfed ideas.
But fear not! One of the prizes for achieving the 50K is a very low cost copy of Scrivener software. It has a nice index card or “cork board” feature that will help my major problems. My female protagonist is still an undefined, barely visible ghost of a character. She is not a ghost so this needs some real work. Once I develop more character depth and the plotline flows smoother, I think I might be closer to 80K length and have a respectable novel and then the real editing begins. One of the things I have learned from NaNoWriMo is to turn off the inner editor and just go for it. I am a technical writer during the day so this is an extremely difficult thing for me to do. The bottom line here is that I achieved the 50K!
My birthday is the first of August so I celebrated by going out to dinner and a movie with a friend. I didn’t want a lot of hoopla about my birthday and my friend didn’t know it was my birthday. I really just wanted something very quiet to spend alone with memories of my beloved. I bought one of those cake slices for two, chocolate for my beloved of course, and filled a cut crystal mug with milk. I watched the sun go down from my back patio. The day ended with cake and reflection of wonderful memories. I feel so blessed to have been loved by such an exceptional man and to have loved him in the few short years he had. He believed in me and my writing ability when no one else did. He continues to give me strength because of that belief and love. I am so glad that he had a personal relationship with Jesus and I will see him again with my other treasures in heaven.
Now, on to my next writing goal. A new idea, a new book, 50,000 more words and the November official National Novel Writing Month. I am fundraising to attend the Night of Writing Dangerously at the Julia Morgan Ballroom in San Francisco’s Financial District. The theme is film noir and costume is not required but oh so appreciated. A successful November will mean I have written well over 130,000 words this year for myself. 🙂
If you would like to help send me to a full night of writing…. http://www.stayclassy.org/TessaBertoldi Investing in myself is something I am still getting used to.

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March 19, 2014 · 9:25 pm

Peckish About My Lost Pict

It’s been nineteen months since my beloved was called home to help out Jesus. My beloved was always serving others, I don’t know of a time when he refused to help another. He had the gift of mercy down pat. Me, not so much. I struggle with a sense of right and fair.
I am constantly reminding myself that God never said life would be fair but that we should be. Mercy was my beloved’s best quality and the one that often frustrated me. You see it cost him his life, he kept nothing back and gave it all to others. He tried to follow Christ’s teachings as much as he could. I go from missing him terribly to being furious with him for not balancing his energies and saving something for himself.
I have come to grips with the realization that the people that manipulated him into helping them move while he was suffering from pneumonia will never express remorse or apology. I am choosing to believe that they cared for him and feel remorse; they too may have problems dealing with his loss at 52 years.
My beloved did not love perfectly, but he loved me. Our marriage had a couple of bumps in the road and one rocky patch where I almost gave up. I’m glad I didn’t. He was so sick and was making bad choices, everyone said I should leave him and cut my losses, that the illness would only get worse. For better or worse, right. We made the choice to love each other and our marriage found a new plateau. I loved nothing better than just laying in bed, feeling his arms around me. Now, I have good memories and no regrets. My mother is in her eighties, I may have twenty three plus years left to find peace and balance in my life. I’m working on it!
This emotional tug of war saps my strength. If only I could just wash the emo away with a good cry!
I saw a grief counselor for a brief time. She said people who love deeply, grieve deeply and I should be kinder to myself. I get depressed from time to time but refuse to stay there. He would hate that. I have his ashes on the floor next to my shoes. Mostly because I have to wait to do what I want with them. For now, when I behave badly, I simply roll him over in his grave, laugh, and go on as he would want me to with a, “Top of the Day to You” and a “I live to serve”.
St. Patrick’s Day was a big holiday for my Celtic lover. We didn’t celebrate St. Patrick as much as all things Celtic; he was all Pict as he used to say. He was seventh generation native Californian but still all Pict. His ancestors lived in the mountains and were sheep herders and lumbermen and later a purveyor of fine (and not so fine) Scots whiskey!
My Great Scot is gone (for now) and so ends his pict line. The little Irish girl in me abstained from the yummy soda bread and the St. Paddy’s fixin’s, maybe next year. I did wear green and an Irish sweater, drank pots and pots of tea, and cried for his loss. Maybe next year I’ll bake the Soda Bread with currants.
Sleep well my love; you have earned your rest!
Ti Amo, Tanta Ti Amo Mi Amore!

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October 2, 2013 · 5:56 pm

My Life is a Circus!

My life is a circus and I have a tent to prove it! It has been a little crazy lately. My beloved was a wonderful man. He could leap tall buildings, fix anything, reverse engineer or design engineer almost anything. I’m not exaggerating, he was a genius and had the IQ scores to prove it. He would give you the shirt off his back and had literally done so on at least two occasions I can recall. But, ah yes the but! He could not say no! Even when it caused his death. A close friend and former mentor had a heart attack and it turns out he was a hoarder. This could have been filmed for a reality show. The hoarders’ adult daughter called and pleaded for help. Mind you she had her family, her husband, her church, her father’s church and many friends in town. We lived over an hour away. But hey, she knew this close friend who could perform miracles and who wouldn’t say no….

My beloved should have been in intensive care with a fatal case of pneumonia. He was resting at home because he feared and hated hospitals. She knew this, you could hear it in his voice and as he coughed up liquid.

The call came and he went on Friday. I went with him on Saturday and Sunday and helped toss over a ton of belongings into a roll off dumpster. I begged, I cried, I watched him bend over and cough out water from his lungs. He came home Sunday night, could not get out of bed Monday and died on Tuesday morning. He was 52.

I do not bear her ill will, I am not angry with her, I think I have forgiven her, I may have to again, but I am not ready to talk to her yet. Maybe when the circus has left town and I can find some balance in my life again. Maybe these relationships just need to gently fade into the past with the pain as time goes by.

It has been one year and I have been fighting the bugs that came home with him all this time. The cockroaches were easy to kill, the silverfish a little harder but not impossible. The bed bugs won. Until I declared nuclear war and called in the fumigators. Food had to be removed and frozen. Anything taken out of the house had to be frozen or heated to over 130 degrees. We had to find homes for our three cats and ourselves for a week. My adult daughter is spending a few months with me to help me with the chaos of my life. We are both chemically sensitive and Vikane gas with a Tear Gas precursor is a very nasty chemical cocktail. It kills EVERYTHING! We have tossed and replaced one mattress and one box springs and had to destroy a lot of food that we either missed or just wouldn’t make the transfers. The tent alone cost $2,640. and other costs are still mounting. The biggest cost has been the life of my husband so the material possessions pale in comparison.

Clean, toss out, reorganize, sanitize…boxes and bags everywhere. I think it is the residue from the tear gas that is giving us sore throats and sore nasal cavities. It is better after washing all the bedding. The hundreds of little black bodies all over the house…who knew how many house flies and spiders we really had, even after a grocery store type of chemical bombing. The vacuum is busy and so are my daughter and myself!

My advice to you, say no when it is appropriate! Take care of your own health first! Regift, REDUCE, reuse, recycle! And so very important to avoid some of this mess….go to Wal-Mart and buy mattress and pillow cases for bed bugs. Put your box spring, your mattress and every bed pillow in the house in one! Strip all bedding, including the blankets, off your beds after visitors and wash and/or at least heat up in the dryer.

The folks at Clark Pest Control have been as wonderful as they could possibly be. They were very aggressive with the process (a good thing) and their sales person, Vincent, called me almost daily during the process. Sometimes three and four times a day. Now that I have “come clean” about my experience, others are confessing their own stories and what we have is an epidemic of bed bugs, especially areas that do not freeze over. Think about it….someone will pay the consequences of our actions, maybe not ourselves, but someone will.

Fumigation Tent

Fumigation Tent

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September 11, 2013 · 11:10 pm

9/11/01

ImageToday we remember the tragic events of 9/11/01 in New York City, Washington D.C. and Somerset County, PA.  The acts of individuals with hate in their hearts for people who believe differently is considered terrorism by Western nations but heralded as heroic by their brethren.

How will we honor the fallen dead as we march into the future leaving them behind in history?  Many of the fallen were average Americans going about their day, victims of hate.  Some were truly American heroes that will never be identified as such.  I would like to think if I was in the same situation that I would aid a fallen individual regardless of my own health or their diversity, thank God I have not been tested.  Who on 9/11/01 gave comfort to someone who was about to die even as they died themselves?  We will never know.  We can count the servants, public and private, but we cannot count the simple acts of kindness that was experienced at the scene of the tragedies.  

September 11, 2001 was a day of great sadness and shock.  I was thousands of miles away but witnessed that sadness and shock.  Next to an AFB, my daughter’s high school was full of students with both parents in military service.  The high school was locked down, the children both proud and afraid for their parents who were immediately activated.  My boss was on the phone all morning, his sister worked at the World Trade Center.  My daughter’s friend was supposed to be at the WTC with the rest of her extended family, 30 people, for a tour.  I can only surmise from my personal experiences 2,564 miles away on this day in 2001 that the entire United States was affected.  We were fortunate on the West Coast, my boss found his sister alive but traumatized, the family tour got a late start and missed their tour, counselors were on site for the tearful high schoolers, and all of their parents were o.k.  Not everyone can cite happy endings and carry heavier burdens and reminders of this day.

Today I will be volunteering at a free vehicle safety check point, a private enterprise to get motorists ready for the cold weather coming.  Yesterday, I took my granddaughter with me and delivered food baskets.  I challenge you to find something, small or big, to do today to honor the victims and heroes of 9/11/01.  Fight back against the hate by loving those around you.  Be America today!  Love one another, all of God’s children.

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